


How it Ends

by 13thDoctor



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Spock, M/M, Star Trek: Into Darkness Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-27
Updated: 2013-07-07
Packaged: 2017-12-13 02:44:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/819039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/13thDoctor/pseuds/13thDoctor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one thing Spock had ever wanted was to touch Kirk. Now, in his final moments, he could only watch.</p><p>This is a collection of chapters detailing Spock's emotions from the moment of Kirk's death to his revival.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Echo

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this years ago in first person even though I hate first person, so it has since been edited accordingly. Star Trek: Beyond was life-changing, everyone, so I thought I should come back to this and actually do the pairing justice. Thank you!

Spock would have given anything to touch Kirk- a true touch, a combination of their questionable compatibility, Kirk's infuriating stubbornness, his own need; one kiss could burn like the collision of stars. And it would culminate in a rebirth, of their relationship and of themselves.  He'd have given anything, and he was prepared to, but at Kirk's final moments they were separated by a thick, unbreakable, pane of glass. It was cruel, merciless; he could stare into the unfathomable blue depths of his eyes, but he could not close them or calm the panic and confusion. Spock could not save him.

He pounded his fist against the wall, screaming and screaming and screaming. So many words clawed their way through his mind, attempting to escape on his tongue, but no sound could escape save for that primal shout, that incomparable feeling of loss. He felt lost already.

Nyota came to his aid, trying to abrogate the loneliness, but he dragged her down with him until they were both kneeling in front of the captain's radioactive prison. She wrapped her slim arms around his lean shoulders, allowing him to continue viewing Kirk's lifeless face. It was strange to still see that wondrous blue without any light behind them. He slumped against the very spot their hands had been, joined almost as if Spock could have kissed him in the Vulcan manner, the remainder of his resolve crumbling with his choking sobs. Nyota stroked her fingers through his hair, each pristine strand falling away at odd angles. But such a soothing gesture was futile and lost amid the battleground of emotion the Vulcan had for so long concealed.

"Jim!" He hit the glass, almost bruising his hand against the unyielding surface as tears streamed down his contorted face. "Jim!"

He recalled the captain's expression as he realized what Spock's look had meant, what the definition of 'friend' was to him, to us. It had relaxed, content, soft lips that Spock had never touched forming an inaudible sentence. The Vulcan began to speak- three words, words that had ruined his father but that he foolishly thought could heal James. But he was gone before they could leave his stumbling mouth.

Then he finally felt it. The fury. Fear and regret and pure, unadulterated loathing. He never wanted to feel it again.

"Stop, please," Nyota pleaded when Spock swore oath with that abhorrent name. _Khan._ It was the only word he felt he could utter, and it was a curse more venomous than any name ever carried.

"I'm going to kill him," he hissed, an acidity in his voice that he hadn't realized his race was capable of presenting until his planet had been destroyed. What he was feeling right now could only be compared to the dread and despair of that day.

The Lieutenant was logical enough not to protest.


	2. Fade

"Spock, we can save him."

He stared at the doctor, face blank and eyes guarded, unsure if he had heard him correctly; it sounded fantastical and idealistic. After all, he had taken many blows to the head in his chaotic altercation with Khan. It was logical to assume that he may have received a concussion that could inflict delusions.

"We can save Jim," he repeated, and the first officer, or acting captain, snapped to full attention.

"How?" he asked, breathless. His heart pounded in his side, reminding him once again of his loss of control over his emotions. Humiliated, his face tinged with green.

"With this thing's blood, man. Think! Did you get kicked in the head by a heifer?" Bones motioned to a tribble, one that had been dead a week ago. Not only was it alive and thriving, but purring along with its many children; if Kirk were here, he would be panicking about an infestation. "Khan can regenerate his cells far beyond anything we've ever seen. He can _come back to life._ " Bones leaned closer to Spock, a hand on his shoulder. "We can bring Jim back." His eyes were wild but determined, a wicked grin on his tan face. Spock felt a similar sense of optimistic anxiety and stared back, attempting and failing not to smile in return.

 _We can save him._

_  
_He nodded, a small but weighted gesture. "Yes," he agreed. It was difficult not to shout or whoop, which would have been incredibly uncharacteristic and frankly, mortifying. "Let us try."

Bones readied a syringe.

...

Spock made his way to the recovery room slowly, practicing his speech carefully under his breath. Since Jim's death, he had avoided much human contact, as it seemed to only increase his unregulated outbursts of emotion. It was entirely unwelcome to his species, and highly embarrassing to an officer of his stature. Despite his human half, he saw no reason to behave so rashly.

It was far too inconceivable that he loved James Kirk, though Nyota continued to tell him otherwise. With sidelong glances and successful attempts at cornering him, she had explained this was the reason for his unseemly behavior, and that it was an entirely human reaction. She had patted his arm lovingly, hugged him, and wished him all the best in any relationship with the captain once he was revived.

After this confrontation, Spock was keen to remain Vulcan. His burning ears evidenced as much.

There was no need to knock, and Spock let himself in, knowing Jim would be awake. They had a scheduled appointment; a professional meeting between first officer and captain, but the man had also refused to rest again until he personally saw every living crew member and thanked them for their service.

He smiled when he saw the Vulcan, a crooked, shining smirk that sped up his heart. Spock coughed, the nervous feeling in his stomach unwelcome.

Spock told himself it was simply his duty as first officer to visit the captain at his sicked, and then walked calmly to his bedside, remaining a respectful distance away. Jim peered at the other man curiously, laughing quietly at his resolve.

"Captain," he greeted him sharply. "I hear you are healing quickly."

"Pretty damn well for a guy back from the dead; yeah." He took a sip of water while Spock stayed silent, sensing that he wasn't finished. When he finally put the glass down, he seemed amused.  The Vulcan met his gaze patiently.

"I had something to ask you," James began. "When, uh, when I was about to die, you were saying something..." He flinched, the pain of resurrection continuing to plague him. Nyota had informed Spock in confidence that Jim was experiencing nightmares and flashbacks regarding the incident. Spock felt an overwhelming urge to comfort his captain, but quelled it inwardly.

"Sir." His voice was clipped, calculated.

"No, listen, dammit." He coughed and Spock had to stop himself from rushing to his aid. As it was, he did move much closer to him. "Can I assume that you meant--"

"I regret to inform you, Captain, that any assumption you have about my inappropriate reaction to your temporary demise is most likely inaccurate." I could hear the metal in my voice; Jim had deemed it my robotic exterior and had developed a curios habit of destroying whenever he was able.

"Is this how it's going to be? You're going to forget everything; shut me up with the rest of your emotions?" He glared at Spock, any semblance of romanticism whisked away with the man's inhuman demeanor.

Spock gritted his teeth and stood up straighter. He couldn't let him break him again. "I think you'll find, Sir, that I can be of much more use to you as a Vulcan."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Vulcans do not love," he whispered. His bravery had not diminished-- he had looked him directly in the eye-- but he was suffocating under Jim's ever-widening gaze. "I do not have any delusions about our relationship," Spock added quickly. "I do not expect you to return such feelings; as Captain and First Officer it would be an illogical and irresponsible courtship."

Kirk's face lit up, a smile cracking the hard lines his recovery had worn into him. "Mr. Spock," he quipped delightedly, "are you trying to tell me that you're in love with me?"

The Vulcan had never studied such a fascinating example of social behavior as love. He found the concept so foreign, so unobtainable, even when he saw his mother and father together, that it never occurred to him he could have it.

"Yes," Spock answered simply, as a student would. 

James chuckled. "Prove it."

He frowned, aware of the heat in his pale face as  he unintentionally stepped toward the captain's hospital bed. "Forgive me, Sir, but I do not follow."

Jim grabbed the blue uniform collar rather roughly and crashed their mouths together, a feverish cry of success escaping his lips. Spock jerked back at first, unfamiliar with the sensation in my mouth, until I accustomed to his human kiss. Vulcans never displayed such affection; they were much more subtle in our acts toward their mates. Touching wasn't common, but Spock thought he may never be able to let go of the captain again.

As they kissed, Spock wondered what Jim would make of his human side in their next five years together.


End file.
